Friday, 9 December 2016

Full time mum, full time job, full time grown up, part-time me

Sometimes I really struggle with feeling as though not only do I have to do everything, but I have to do it well. If I'm bad at my job, I could lose it. If I'm bad at being a grown up and staying on top of bills, we would get angry knocks on the door. If I'm a bad mum, well so much could go wrong there. I spend so much time worried about doing badly in my full time existences that I forget about me.


My roots start showing, I stop sleeping, forget to eat fruit and veg, never finish that book that's been by the side of my bed for months and continuously get half way through a movie before getting restless and never finding out how it ends. Me time is half an hour once the mini one is in bed, I've washed up, folded clothes, made lunch for the next day and picked up all the toys off the floor. I collapse in a head on the sofa, flick through the tv to find there's nothing I want to watch before bailing and stumbling into bed.


But I think some of what holds me back from going to get my nails done (apart from money!) or having a coffee on my own is the dreaded mum guilt:


"I don't see her enough..."

"I don't play with her enough...."

"I don't sit down and teach her things in the evenings like numbers..."

"I hurry bedtimes sometimes because I'm just so tired..."


If she's poorly we go to the doctors and I try to make her feel better, if I'm poorly I plod on until I end up really ill when just giving myself a day at home resting probably would have stopped it getting so bad.


The end of a year always makes me a bit philosophical and for 2017 I want to tell myself more that I AM ENOUGH. I may not be this great superwoman of a mother with perfect hair, patience and endless energy for Pinteresting my entire perfect life, but I am doing what I can with what I've got and with who I love. 


I'll always have that mum guilt in the back of my head, but for now I am going to cuddle my grumpy three year old who has just crawled into my bed and look forward to whatever adventures lie ahead. And for me, right now, that is enough.